October 15, 2003 - 11:43 am
I was going to delete it. My initial thought when I read it this morning was to dispose of it. But disposing of it will not dispose of the perfectly valid feelings weaving in and out of the run on sentences and spell-check-friendly typos. Instead of getting rid of it I've decided to elaborate on it.
First of all, a public apology to the lovely Kate whose name I unintentionally brought for a trip through the mud with me! She's just the love of my life and without her I'd be nothing at all.
Now, I didn't write it to get attention or to get sympathy from anyone. Hello. I was drunk. The only thing I can really hold the inebriation accountable for is the fact that what's always been an underlying factor of my life has now been made public.
I think that most of my real-life friends can attest that I'm a fairly stable, confident person. I know I have morals, I'm goal-oriented and a hard worker, I'm intelligent, I've got a sense of humor, and I'm a good friend. I know that I'm not (to borrow a phrase I absolutely loved in middle school) a waste of skin. I know I'm a good person who has something to offer. It took me years and years to come to that realization, but I know it now. And I don't want to be perfect. I don't want to be perfect inside and out. I don't expect that at all. Flaws can be the most beautiful part of a person. But I want to be happy. I want to feel content when I look in the mirror and not disgust.
I'm a firm believer that one is in charge of his or her own happiness. I think that people have almost total control over most situations and I think my life is a testament to that. I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago and I'm not the same person I was 1 year ago, because I'm constantly rewiring my life to make sure that I'm as happy as humanly possible. This one thing, though, has forever been the situation I haven't been able to take control of. Yes, I buy pretty clothes if the money can be spared and I make an extra effort to make sure no hair is out of place, but beyond that I feel completely helpless.
Sometimes I think that maybe if I were in a relationship I'd feel different - better, even. I'm not sure how certain of that I am, though. I've been in very few relationships, all short-lived, but throughout I've never once felt attractive. I've never felt like the other person was physically attracted to me because they've never expressed that they were physically attracted to me. (God, this is going to sound awful) I feel like they were there for who I am on the inside. And that's not to say that I want a shallow relationship based solely on physicality but I've always wanted to know what it feels like to be wanted on more than one level. I want to know what it feels like to be desirable.
I think that I've shed a little more light on the previous entry but I need to reiterate that this is by no means "a cry for help" or subterfuge to garner love letters. I'm at the point now that even if someone does manage to squeeze out a compliment contradictory to this entire notion I tell him or her to shut up and blow them off anyway. So, really, don't bother.
And lastly, I'd like to conclude with my favorite line from the entry:
"So that means that if I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life I'm going to settle for some ugly creature from the black lagoon and never be happy for the rest of my [life]."
Creature from the black lagoon! Ha! I kill myself!
Ta da
