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October 15, 2003 - 1:07 am

Today was not a good day and I'm kind of drunk right now so I'm afraid what I'm about to write because I know what I want to write about but I know that I shouldn't probably write about it and I'm going to make sure I hit F7 and spell check this before I post it if I even decide to post it because I don't really think I should write about it.

I woke up every bummed this morning because I had bad dreams last night. In one dream Connie told me she hated me and never wanted to talk to me again because I was selfish and didn't care about anyone but myself. The second dream was even worse though. I've had the second dream before. It's a recurring dream. I dream that I'm smashing my face into a brick wall. I do it over and over again and then I look into a mirror. I keep doing it until I finally look into a mirror and see that my face is bloody and disfigured beyond recognition. And then I'm happy. I'm content and I'm satisfied when I look in the mirror and see my disgusting face. And every time I wake up from that dream I wish that there was a way I could feel that content and that same satisfaction in real life but I know that's not going to happen so I get very depressed.

I always tell mother that I hate the way I look and she always says, "oh please" and rolls her eyes and yell at her and tell her she has no sympathy for me. I tell her she has to think I'm at least moderately attractive because she's my mother and because I got half of my genes from her. I tell her that she should at least have sympathy for me because I'm unhappy. She tells me I need to see a doctor. I say "yes, a plastic surgeon" and she says, "no, a shrink."

And my friend Burp tells me that we should go to a club together ad find me a boy to make out with and I told her I don't want to because its just depressing. The boys don't like me because I'm not as pretty as them. So that means that if I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life I'm going to settle for some ugly creature from the black lagoon and never be happy for the rest of my live. And it seems like everyone I know (except for Kate! Love you darling!) Is either in a relationship or dating or fucking or whatever and usually that doesn't bother be because I'm so used to being the only one not in a relationship or dating or fucking or whatever but lately it is bothering me and I'm trying not let it bother me because it never has in the past and now shouldn't be any different. I think I just need to get over this hump of being home and being in a different place where I thought things could be different from the last time I was here but as much as certain things are different other things are exactly the same.

And whenever I get all upset about this I always think of the song Fat Boy by Jewel.

"Wouldn't it be nice if I could melt myself like ice or outrun my skin and just be pure wind."

Ta da

 

 

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