February 03, 2003 - 2:54 pm
Guess what I just did? I went grocery shopping! For the first time in a month, I have food! And lots of it! That’s a lie. I don’t have lots of it. I have lots of Double Stuff Oreos though…they were buy one get one free.
At the checkout I was scanning the magazines to see if there was anything that might interest me. After swimming through a sea of JLo and Ben I stumbled upon Justin Timberlake. Under his picture was a quote that, If he actually said it, might force me to dispose of my entire Justin collection (that, of course, would be his CD and the issue of Details for which he posed as the cover boy). The quote said, “I don’t kiss with my mouth. I kiss with me soul.” Um. Who SAYS that? Who says that to a magazine? And says that to a magazine and gets away with it? Seriously! I must admit, though, that directly between the first and second sentence of his quote my mind made a wild, frenzied effort to think of any other body part he could possibly be kissing with.
Needless to say, I came up with a few.
Do you ever watch The Sunday Night Sex Show with Sue Johanson? It’s on Oxygen. I was just recently introduced to it and, quite frankly, I’m not entirely certain how lived this long without it in my life. Last night, Sue was faced with a mélange of sexual queries ranging from the normal (“How do I perform oral genital sex on my girlfriend?”) to the errantly disturbing (“I like to bite girls’ vaginas while giving them cunnilingus. Is that normal?”). One of the most alarming to me was the boy (he sounded rather young) who called in asked if it was okay for him to be “having sex” with a peanut butter jar. Of course, Sue and I both immediately thought the same thing: How the fuck do you get a peanut butter jar up there?! The boy soon elaborated though, saying that he merely likes to shove his dick in the jar. But, sadly, it doesn’t stop at the peanut butter. He also admitted to enjoying faux-vaginas fashioned out of vegetables. Then, as if we already didn’t know at that point, he said “I don’t have sex a lot.” Really? You’re just pulling my leg.
Also, towards the end of the show, an 82 year-old woman called in and asked Sue if she was “oversexed”. Apparently, this woman has a 67-year old “male friend”. Also, this 67 year-old “male friend” has a 12 inch cock. I’ve heard of things sagging as you get older, but that is out of control. When the woman revealed that she also had 14 great-grandchildren Sue asked if they knew about her “male friend”. I can see it now: “Bobby, Sally, Mary, Suzie, Billy, Joey, Rhonda, Rita, Jimmy, Johnny, Molly, Willy, Shollandra, and Petey, this is Earl. Earl, this is Bobby, Sally, Mary, Suzie, Billy, Joey, Rhonda, Rita, Jimmy, Johnny, Molly, Willy, Shollandra, and Petey. I’m sure you guys are going to be seeing a lot more of each other.”
I also enjoy it when Sue takes out her “dollies”. The “dollies” only come out when someone calls in and asks about sexual positions. I love it when people call in and ask about sexual positions because I get to see Sue replicate sexual positions with the “dollies”.
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this yet, but Mother has taken to yoga. She started going to classes about two weeks ago and she has since purchased several DVDs so that she can enjoy it at home. She especially enjoys it for its relaxing quality. So much, in fact, that on three occasions my dad has walked into the living room to find Mother conked out on the living room floor, DVD still playing on the TV.
Remember when La Isla Bonita was my favorite song in all the world?
I do.
Remember how that was just last summer?
Ta da
